In Defense of Offense

Growing up in Southern California in the 80's one of the local TV stations used to have the slogan that there's more to life than news, weather, and sports. To which I always replied, oh yeah, like what? It's getting too dang hot out in the desert now to talk about the weather for the next five months or so, or at least to say anything nice about it, so forget that one. The news is always there, but the presidential campaign is in a waiting period right now, namely waiting for Puerto Rico to hold their contest so we can finally move on to the general election season. So sports it is!

Growing up in Southern California in the 80's was a privilege when it came to pro sports, the glory days for a big time fan of the Dodgers, Raiders, and Lakers. It meant growing up with Showtime, the Captain and the Magic Man, the Fabulous Forum, and Chick Hearn letting us know, as he would so often, that the eggs were cooling and the butter was getting hard. For those of you who are uninitiated, that meant the refrigerator door was closing, and the light was going out on the opposing squad, that another Laker victory was at hand. It also meant you could be pretty certain that the purple and gold had scored over 100 points again in securing that victory, because back in those days in the NBA, the first team to 100, sometimes to 110 points would usually win.

Soccer, football for my European readers, is universally considered to be the beautiful game, and indeed it is, although many Americans are not enamored of it, but then again many Americans voted twice for George W. Bush, drive big old boxy and bloated station wagons, and think that Jessica Simpson is hot, so what the heck do they know about beauty anyways? Basketball, when it is played properly, is just as beautiful, and admittedly a bit faster paced than soccer. It's probably no coincidence that it has become so popular in Europe, probably ranking up there with soccer and Formula One racing as the top three international sports today. The key phrase however is, when it is played properly, and on that there seems to be some disagreement.

Forget race, gender, social class, red states v. blue states, urban v. rural, the real division in this country is between the east coast monkeys who prefer defense, thuggery, walking up and down the court, and enough bricks being laid to build a mcmansion on the one hand, against the west coast effetes and party boys who just want to have fun, run up and down the court unmolested, and score like a governor at hooker convention in Atlantic City. It may come as no surprise that, being a west coast native and a southwestern desert dweller, I prefer the up-tempo, high scoring, action-packed game played on the left side of the continent.

It is often said that defense wins championships. It's also often said that ugly girls have nice personalities. Both may be true, but it doesn't make you want to watch in either case. The object is to outscore the other team, which common sense dictates requires both defense as well as the ability to put the ball in the basket. McMurtry knew this when he taught the game to the Chief in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, remember the great line, "put it in the basket Chief, put it in the basket!" I'm thinking that the so-called big three of the Boston Celtics could use a lesson or two from old McMurtry, who of course in real life as the legendary Jack Nicholson wouldn't have anything to do with the Celtics unless he was busy mooning the fans. So many 70's and 80's references, so little time, apologies to anyone born after 1989.

These Celtics, unlike their predecessors of the glory days, the original Big Three of Bird, McHale, and Parish who were both tough guys and who knew how to put it in the hole, this current version is an abomination. They are taking the other beautiful game back to the 50's, sometimes it seems like the 1850's. When I watch them play Cleveland in their current series it feels like the game should be in black and white, and the shorts are way too long. I keep checking for the peach basket and the jump ball after every made field goal. The WNBA season kicks off next week, and I'm curious as to how many of their opening games will exceed the final score of last night's barely watchable 74-69, my guess is at least half, proving that once again, women are out-manning the men.

Offense wins championships too, as the five banners from the 80's that hang in the rafters of the Staples Center in L.A. can attest. Even better, offense is fun and cool to watch, and isn't that kind of the point of watching sports, to actually enjoy the entertainment being put in front of you. When hoops is done right, it's like a great jazz performance, full of improvisation, innovation, creative expression, great teamwork and incredibly moving solo performances. Here's hoping the Lakers continue their march through the playoffs, not just so that I can experience another championship, and hey, it's been slim pickings the last couple decades for the Raiders and Dodgers so this will be appreciated, but also so that the league and its fans will once again be treated to basketball the way it was meant to be played. It's time for the monkeys to evolve and join the 21st century, to start putting that damn ball in the basket a little bit more often. If the Chief can do it (no, not Robert Parrish) then certainly Paul Pierce can too. Besides, it's been 21 years since the Lakers beat the Celtics in the Finals, it would be nice to see the 21st century redux next month. Now, how about this weather we're having?