Give Me A Break

I am trying something new with today’s column, and that is an attempt at brevity, as I was taught by my 9th grade English teacher Mr. Towle, that brevity is the soul of wit. I was taught a lot of things by Mr. Towle, which might have to be the topic of another column someday, come to think of it. He taught us that less is more, and since I figured he was referring to our English homework, I was all for it. So I will be attempting to limit this column to 1000 words and in honor of the U2 song “40” I will try to write it in under 40 minutes. When I saw U2 back in 1987 at the LA Sports Arena on their Joshua Tree tour, they ended their show with the aforementioned song, explaining that they needed one more song for their album at one point, and they had 40 minutes of studio time so they recorded it and the rest is history. The refrain is “I will sing a new song” so with that in mind, I will write a new column.

The actual topic for today is things that make you say; give me a break, in the spirit of the pieces that John Stoessel used to do on 20/20. For all I know he still does them as I haven’t watched that show in quite some time, Stone Phillips and the ubiquitous Dateline show have ruined all such primetime news shows for me, but regardless since I am ripping off from Stoessel I figured it would be the decent thing to at least acknowledge him.

Let’s start with the exorbitant salaries that pro athletes make. It is ridiculous that many of these people who supposedly went to college can barely string together two sentences using proper English, and with a few noted exceptions seem to be unappreciative and arrogant jerks, yet they still make the kind of money that they do and receive such adulation. But to add insult to injury, they determine that their crazy salaries are not enough when compared to the other crazy salaries being handed out to their teammates or competitors at similar positions. Give me a break! Two people come to mind at the moment, one being Anquan Boldin, a solid wide out with the Arizona Cardinals who has decided that his teammate Larry Fitzgerald, their other wide out, is being ridiculously overpaid so he wants the same deal. Never mind that the average fan of your perennial losing team can’t even afford the nosebleed seats in the new state of the art taxpayer funded stadium, you go get paid Anquan, because what an injustice it would be for you to have to give your labor for mere millions when you can get even more. The other joker in the current deck is a second year running back for the Green Bay Packers named Ryan Grant. The guy has a decent rookie year and then decided to hold out of camp for mo’ money. Show me the money is the mantra, I say show these bums a real job and a 40 plus hour workweek 50 weeks a year making barely enough to pay the bills. Way to pay your dues and earn your status Ryan Grant, while I’d like to see the Pack bring back Favre, I hope they let this clown go and bring in the next guy, tailback is one of the most overrated positions in football anyways, a good running game depends mostly on a quality offensive line and a passing game that can keep defenses honest. Unless your name is Barry, Emmitt, Marcus, or LaDanlian, you just aren’t that special.

While we’re on the topic of sports, can we stop with all the talk of long suffering Cubs fans? Give me a break! So your team stinks year after year, big deal. First off, a lot of fans have teams that stink year after year, only they don’t get all the accolades for being such loyal and suffering fans. Granted, one hundred years is a long time to go without winning a World Series, but when is the last time that fans of the Kansas City Royals or Pittsburgh Pirates have had much to cheer about, and nobody celebrates them. Heck, even once proud franchises such as the Los Angeles Dodgers and Baltimore Orioles haven’t won a championship in over a generation now. The San Francisco Giants haven’t won the Series since the 50’s, nor have the Cleveland Indians. So the point here is that fans of the boys from Chicago’s north side are not alone in their suffering. And while we’re at it, let’s not be so liberal with use of the term suffering. The Irish suffered for a thousand years under the rule of the English, Black slaves suffered for hundreds of years under slavery in America and elsewhere, people in Darfur continue to suffer at the hands of their own government while the world does little. Cubs fans going another year without getting to celebrate a World Series title is not exactly in the same ballpark.

Lest you think the silly season is unique to the world of sports, let’s get to some of the non-athletic related absurdities. How about people bringing babies to movies? I’m not talking about the Lion King or the latest Disney flick either, we’re sitting in the theater the other day, getting ready for the start of The Dark Knight, which was one hell of a movie by the way, and in comes a young gal with her baby. Give me a break! If you can’t get a sitter then stay at home, when I go to an adult movie the last thing I want to hear is a baby fussing and crying. Some people need to recognize the concept that when you have a baby there are certain things you have to give up for awhile. Of course since many of these girls having babies these days are kids themselves; I suppose it would be up to their parents to apprise them of this hard fact of life.

Now take tattoos, or as they are now known as, body art. Please. I’m from the old school, where tattoos are for soldiers and longshoreman, earrings are for women, and when you go out in public you adopt just a bit of modesty when it comes to how much skin you show and how far out you let your boobs hang. It seems as if every person, male and female alike, under the age of 30 has a tattoo, err, body art, and since they are showing more skin than ever, we all get to see their designs up close and personal. Give me a break! And while we’re at it, unless you are actually a porn star or director, what’s with all the Skin Magazine paraphernalia? I’m not even sure what Skin is, if it’s a magazine, a website, a pay-per view channel in the 500’s on digital cable, but whatever it is it seems silly and certainly inappropriate to advertise in polite society. When does it end? Will alcoholics start wearing Jack Daniels shirts, stoners start wearing Zig Zag shirts, and wife beaters start wearing, well, you get the picture.

In the interest of brevity and wit and all that other good stuff I mentioned way back when, I’ll rap up with a laundry list of give me a break items. Four dollar hot chocolates at Starbucks. Four dollars for a gallon of gas. Four dollars for a gallon of milk. The U.S. Congress. The Republican Party. The Democratic Party. Bill O’Reilly. Keith Olbermann. Four out of five radio stations in the desert in between Phoenix and LA being in Spanish. Living in a city where 110 degrees in the summer is the norm. Amy Winehouse. Brittany Spears. Lindsay Lohan. Racism. Sexism. Homophobia. People who still drive around with W stickers on their vehicles. People who think Barack Obama is a Muslim because his middle name is Hussein. My middle name is David but it doesn’t make me a Jew or a king. Hummers, Ford Expeditions and Chevy Suburbans with new plates and stickers that say support the troops. Envrio-fascists and Global Warmists. Sherriff Joe Arpaio. Charging 85 dollars a pop for a 20 year high school reunion. Give me a stinkin’ break!

Last but not least on the list, is the notion that I can write a column in under 1000 words and in less than 40 minutes, although to my credit I am coming in right around 1500 and 60, so I’m not too far off. I would tell Mr. Towle that I tried at least when I see him at the big reunion later this year, only with the price of gas and the high cost of the tickets, I won’t be going to my reunion. Maybe by the time that the 25 year comes around things will be less out of whack, or I’ll somehow have money to burn. If not that’s alright, I can still write my columns and enjoy my life no matter how screwy the rest of the planet is around me, and that is indeed a beautiful thing.