Thanksgiving Traditions

I promise that this will not be some sappy why I’m thankful for this and that column. Not that I’m not thankful, I’m thankful for plenty, but this is a tribute to my favorite holiday, not a laundry list of gratitude. That’s right, my favorite holiday, take that Christmas and the Fourth of July! There is a holiday pecking order, with St. Patrick’s Day, Valentine’s Day and Cinco de Mayo at the bottom of the list, and the aforementioned big three at the top, with Turkey Day in the number one slot. Sure when I was a kid, and when my kids were little, Christmas topped the list. Nothing like the joy and wonderment of a kid on Christmas morning rushing to see what Santa has left under the tree. But those days are past, and while December 25 still has its cache, it has been overtaken in the voters poll, which unlike the convoluted college football system consists of one voter, me!

If this were a Jazz album, which are the best kind of albums, here’s what it would be. It would be titled Thanksgiving Traditions, and it would have five tracks, all ranging from 10 to 25 minutes in length. It would have cool pictures on the front cover and some great album art on the back, and the liner notes would read like this:

Track 1-Feasting (16:45)

This is the heart and soul of the Thanksgiving tradition, the raison d’ atre for the original celebration. Don’t let the textbooks fool you with stories of Indians and Pilgrims loving on each other, the intent of the original feast was, as with fall festivals from ancient times onward, to celebrate the fall harvest by stuffing as much of it into your belly as possible in one sitting, and to wash it all down with as much libation as necessary in order to forget how much of a pig you just made of yourself. Turkey Day is the one day of the year, more than any other, where it is alright to let go of all inhibitions and eat and drink until your heart and belly is content. What better way to do it than with plump juicy poultry, stuffing, potatoes, beans, corn, rolls, and whatever else you can fit on your plate. A good bottle of wine, a better bottle of Russian vodka, and a recliner to retire to after it’s over, and this track is a favorite of generations. It’s also a day to be thankful that you’re not a vegetarian.

Track 2-Football (23:22)

Secondary to the feast is the festival of football. Pro football in the middle of the week, need I say more. Ok, so we’re stuck with the hapless Detroit Lions for the appetizer, but it still beats the hell out of the Macy’s Day Parade and some Rachel Ray marathon where you are made to feel somehow inadequate as a human being because you didn’t make your stuffing from scratch the way old Grandma Ray used to. Besides, maybe one day the Lions will be good again, rumor has it they were studs back in the 50’s. Then you get to root against the Dallas Cowboys in the afternoon, which is a great tradition in and of itself. America’s team? Yeah, like the Republicans are America’s party. Even though the games were all dogs yesterday, including the night game which is a new feature to the menu, so long as you have the NFL Network, a bad pro football game is still better than a good version of most anything else that’s on the tube on a holiday.

Track 3-Family (18:52)

This is the best track of the album, because without it the others wouldn’t be nearly as enjoyable. What fun is it to gorge yourself on food and football without loved ones to share it with? Who would press me to get the turkey in the oven by noon, or bust my chops when I once again screw something up by taking it out too soon, or not soon enough, or spilling the drippings all over the kitchen counter, or not getting back from my holiday run in time to be over to my sister-in-laws by the allotted time. Without family there would be no one to drink with, no one to get into political arguments with over dinner, no one to complain to about how lousy the stinking Lions are, do those guys even practice defense during the week? Family is where it’s at for me, and this day is one spent with the people I love and enjoy the most, the exception this year being that my parents couldn’t make the trip out to the desert, but at least we got to chat on the phone and they were with us in spirit.

Track 4-Four Day Weekend (24:59)

This one takes the cake, nothing like back to back jacks, which is what the four day weekend is. We get a weekend, then we get another one. I have to admit that I’m spoiled as a school teacher, I’m accustomed to a two week winter break, a one week spring break, every holiday on the books, and summer vacation, but I still appreciate this long weekend. As far as I’m concerned, Black Friday means that people have to work the day after Thanksgiving, and I think we should abolish it. People can wait another day to start spending their money, one less shopping day until Xmas won’t kill anyone. For that matter, they could improve Xmas by having it on a Thursday no matter what, it’s not like we can really be certain of the exact date of birthdays from antiquity anyways, and as it is mostly a secular holiday in a nation where a third of the people aren’t even Christians, and probably at least half of those who claim to be Christians aren’t really hard core practitioners, this would allow us to have a similar four day weekend a month later. Anything to get us more four day weekends and the three day weeks that precede them is good in my book, and if we can piss off some Mormons and other high and mighty religious types by changing a supposedly sacred date on the calendar, all the better. Besides, nobody ever knows when exactly Easter is supposed to be, and that’s the holiest day on the Christian calendar.

Track 5-Feasting (Alternate Take) (14:15)

Ahh, leftovers! Does it get any better than leftover turkey, stuffing, potatoes, beans, corn, rolls, and whatever else you couldn’t pile up on your plate the first time around. And the deserts, don’t forget the deserts. My wife went to town this year, making not only her famous chocolate pie, but also pumpkin bars and an accidental pumpkin cheesecake. Accidental because we went to the market to get the ingredients for what she thought she was making, only it turns out she had the recipe mismatched with the picture on the card and ended up getting stuff to make the wrong thing. But like any good jazz track, improvisation is the key and I certainly had no complaints with the final product. I also started my own new tradition, the cleaning of the carcass where I came home from the original feast, grabbed my shaker of Greek seasoning, and proceeded to pick clean the bones of what was once a mighty and proud bird. The best meat is always that which is closest to the bone, and there is something gratifying about a bite that you really have to work for, my dad taught me the art and appreciation of cleaning the bone when I was a little boy, and I have to say I’ve got it down pretty darn pat. When I’m done with a bone, the dogs look at me with that mixture of envy, awe, and disappointment because they know I left nothing to chance. Besides you can’t give them poultry bones anyways, and my mom always taught me never to waste food.

So there you have it, the album of the year, a sure fire hit and one destined to be repeated again at the same time next year. Like all good traditions and good jazz albums, it only gets better with time, as improvements are made and improvisations find their way into the mix. Until next year, you can have your white Christmas, I’ll be dreaming of a white meat orgy, with a drumstick and some pumpkin bars thrown into the mix for good measure.