Fish Out of Water

Twenty Minute Blog

In my continuing attempt to write more frequently, I am attempting a new idea, or maybe it’s an old idea that I already came up with, honestly I get more ideas in my head than I can keep track of anymore, but the idea is to write for 20 minutes and then stop. I’ll allow myself a quick proofread for grammatical errors and sentence structure (sorry if I sound like a prudish high school teacher here but I can’t help myself) and then post it. My hope is that this will get me writing more often instead of waiting for the perfect time and having the notions in my head gradually dissolve into the abyss that is the junk drawer of my mind.

Today’s topic is being on the outside, a fish out of water if you will, although that expression isn’t entirely fitting because a fish out of water will die in short measure, and I feel that I have always thrived being just a bit out of the mainstream. Not that I am any sort of iconoclast or anti-establishment type of person. I have never worn Gothic black and makeup, or for that matter even a Che Guevara shirt to show my antagonistic feelings towards the establishment. I don’t meditate or do yoga, I’m not a vegetarian, I don’t listen to new age music or practice transcendental Buddhism. I’ve never voted for a libertarian or other third party candidate, although I have considered Ralph Nadar from time to time, if for no other reason than to piss off all the knee jerk liberals who somehow blame the man for putting Bush into office in 2000.

So while I’m not an outwardly counter culture type of guy, the only quasi political rally I ever went to was a NORMAL rally in college and that turned out to be a dud, as to be expected from anything planned out by a bunch of stoners, I’m also very much outside the mainstream of society and the ways of thinking about culture and life in general. I’ve always felt like an outsider, at least partially, and I’ve always embraced this.

I am a study in contrast in many ways, an outsider who nonetheless enjoys and is endlessly fascinated by mainstream society and values, a loner who enjoys the company of good people and good conversation. I am a pacifist who is interested in warfare, it’s causes and justifications, it’s methods and consequences. I have strong philosophical beliefs when it comes to politics, yet I feel no particluar loyalty to any specific brand of party. I am ultra competitive but I detest keeping score. I avoid stopwatches and scales yet I work with great discipline and intensity in my workout routine. I demand excellence of my students yet I avoid grading their papers the way a teenager puts off cleaning his bedroom on a Saturday morning.

I have never really fit in anywhere, from the time I was growing up to the present day, yet I feel comfortable around nearly any crowd of people in most any setting. I’ve always shunned being a part of any sort of permanent group or club, yet I enjoy human contact immensely. I imagine that many people take me as being aloof and cocky, I guess I have a certain air about me that suggests that, but those qualities, as accurate as they may be based on outward appearances, don’t reflect what is in my soul. I wonder if other people feel as much removed from the center as I do. If so, what is it that pulls us toward the middle of the road, what is the magnetic force that causes so many of us to gravitate toward materialism and consumerism and supporting wars that don’t need to be fought or voting for candidates who don’t deserve the privelege of office. If enough of us resisted the force and started to go in our own direction, would our society become too fragmented, or would we form a new center that would be a great improvement on the one we have now?

As my time is up I will leave those questions to ponder for another time. For now it is enough to have the knowledge and appreciation that regardless of why I am the way I am or how many more out there are similar to me, that I like who I am and the life that I’m living, and that is quite enough to keep me going.